I’ve been in a bit of a funk the last few months, and I really couldn’t figure out why. The holidays are always a hard time for me, but this felt like more than that. Despite some really great things happening in my life, not all of which I’m ready to share, I’ve just felt down. I couldn’t put my finger on it until I stumbled onto this TED talk by Brene Brown.
I immediately flipped over to Amazon and bought her book “The Gifts of Imperfection.” I actually bought both the Kindle and audio versions. If I try to read after the kids go to bed, I nod off within a few pages. The only other “me time” I have is my drive home from work, and it’s pretty difficult to read while driving.
So I spent the next few days listening to the book whenever I was in the car. I quickly realized a few things:
I’m my biggest critic.
I hold myself to unrealistic standards.
I bully myself.
I shame myself.
I am in an abusive relationship with MYSELF!
How can I possibly feel good about myself if I’m constantly putting myself down? If I treated my kids the way I treat myself, I’d be brought up on child abuse charges.
You can’t truly love others until you love yourself.
I’ve heard this or some variation of this for years, but I’ve never really believed it and I’m still not sure I fully agree. After all, how could I possibly love my kids more than I currently do? But, I’m actually starting to change my stance. If I love my children unconditionally, why can’t I love myself? Is this the reason I’ve been single all these years?
This has led me to the most important New Year’s Resolution I have ever made:
Where do I go from here? I’m honestly not sure. I have a few more books to read (um, listen too). I have a lot of soul searching to do. Some journaling to do and I should probably even find a therapist. It’s going to be a lot of work, but it’s going to be so worth it.